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When asked if she thought that obesity is the “number one greatest national security threat that we have” Michelle Obama answered, “absolutely.”

That’s right. Obesity is absolutely our number one security threat. Forget Afghanistan and Yemen and Siria. Saddam and Osama are dead and new evil has risen to take their place.

Domestic obesity attacks have risen 85% in the last 10 years. Hundreds of thousands have suffered at the hands of glorified terrorists like the infamous Cookie Monster. He and his co-conspirators are waging a war on the hungry public, and the Obamas are prepared to fight them.

President Obama has promised that he will start his next term by proposing “Weighty Bill” legislation (patterned after Brady Bill) to cut calorie consumption. In 2013 we hope to see Gut Control laws that will:

  • Require a license to purchase fast food
  • Initiate mandatory exercise programs
  • Install government monitored weight scales in every home
  • Ban all forks and spoons (as they are accomplices to weight crimes)
  • Commence FDA raids to confiscate contraband cuisine (eliminating our shelf defense rights)

According to the newly edited National Defense Authorization Act violators of these laws may be detained without due process (the government’s new slogan: “Too Processed= No Due Process”). Habeus corpus, a latin phrase meaning “you have the body,” no longer means a right to fair trial. Rather, it means “you have the body… and that’s why you’re going to jail.” From now on it’s guilty until proven skinnycent (okay, that pun was a stretch).
Once detained, criminals will be forced to eat tofu for every meal and participate in punitive exercise sessions led by none other than Richard Simons. We can’t do enough to keep America safe. 

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