Pope Francis delivers his first address

VATICAN CITY- In the most shocking decree of the last millennium, the Catholic Church has decided to include the internet in their official canon.

After debating the issue for five years, a conclave of 18 cardinals and Pope Francis I left the confines of the Sistine Chapel on Monday to declare before a crowd of 14,000 spectators that the internet now takes a place among other sacred texts like the Testaments and the Apocrypha.

Archbishop of Tuscany, Peter Gabriel, explained the council’s decision, “The internet is the largest library on earth, possessing all the accumulated knowledge of human history. More truth can be found on the internet than in all other books combined. Scripture is determined by levels of truth.”

Besides increasing knowledge, the Church is focused on reaching out to young people who, to quote the Pope, “Are more familiar with the work of Julian Smith than the Apostle Paul.” They believe this decision will help the church reach an even higher level of coolness.

Though the internet contains truth, some worry about the falsehoods that are found on the internet. Gabriel dismissed these fears by saying, “The Apocrypha too has falsehoods, yet we are able to look past these inaccuracies to find beautiful truth. Our study of the internet should be the same. Inaccuracies are few, so for the most part, we should believe everything we read on the internet.”

The updated hardback version of the Bible including the internet is scheduled to be released in 2015.


2 thoughts on “Catholic Church Canonizes the Internet

  1. I’ve got to say, I felt really disoriented when I started reading this before realizing where it was coming from. I must have a massively low opinion of the catholic church…

  2. “And the Grumpy Cat beheld a Persian shorthair, and it opened it’s mouth and spake, saying ‘I can has cheezburger?'” — Book of Cats, 3:22

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