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SALT LAKE CITY, Utah- It is common knowledge that the members of the Ordain Women movement want women to receive the Priesthood, but the scope of their ambitions is generally less understood.

“It’s not just the Priesthood we want,” said the organization’s  spokesman spokeswoman, Marsha Young. “We want everything else that comes with it. That includes the responsibility of getting up at 7 AM every Saturday to help ward members move. Women are just as capable as men, and we want to help.”

Spending their day moving heavy boxes, appliances and furniture isn’t the only thing that Ordain Women seeks. Other items on their website include both Home Teaching assignments in addition to Visiting Teaching responsibilities, chopping wood for widows (Priesthood-holding widows could chop it for themselves), shoveling the church sidewalks and most importantly, more boring meetings.

“It’s time to do away with the centerpieces, the beautiful programs, the doilies, the refreshments, the well-planned lessons and the emotion,” said Young. “Women don’t need a support system nor a safe place where they can discuss issues solely pertaining to women. From now on we want a Priesthood lesson where everyone reads straight from the manual for an hour just like the men do.”

Though they realize their position is controversial, Ordain Women seeks to be peaceful. However, outspoken opponents like Utah native, John Daker, think that civility is counterproductive.

“They’ll never get the Priesthood acting like a bunch of sissy ladies. If they want to be like men, they need to learn to fight like men,” said Daker. “We ought to just settle this with a good old-fashioned round of stick-pull.”

Others are suspicious of the well-informed nature of the movement .

“The gal I talked to was really knowledgeable about church doctrine and history and stuff…. like suspiciously knowledgable,” said Dale Scrumscree. “It makes me wonder if she’s been sneaking into the Priesthood Session of Conference all along.”

The LDS Church will hold their semi-annual Priesthood Session of General Conference on Saturday, April 5. Male Priesthood bearers hope that all the women at the Ordain Women demonstration will also be present at 7 AM to help move the Clark family. After all, that U-Haul isn’t going to load itself.

 

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11 thoughts on “Ordain Women Demands Right to Move People Every Saturday Morning

  1. Wow. I don’t have the priesthood and can do all of that. I help people move when needed. I help with other things etc. You don’t need the priesthood for that. I am a women with divine nature. God gave me certain things for me as a women. I’m so grateful that God loves men just as much and has given them something just as precious. Why do these women feel they need to have that as well? I believe there are other break offs of the LDS church that offers Priesthood to women. Maybe that would suite their needs?

  2. Thanks “Ordained Women” but DO NOT SPEAK FOR ME. I do enough that I don’t feel left out if my husband helps the neighbor move. I like my visiting teaching route and I have enough on plate that I do not want MORE. I enjoy a well planned lesson and believe it or not the men love the doilies good food and the emotion that comes with giving and sharing ones experience. I like my differences

  3. @Sheila: You do realize this is satire, right?
    @Dee: Is that really Christlike? To invite these women to apostatize? Even Joseph Smith said that if his enemies really thought he was lost, they would have won him back in a spirit of love.

  4. I want to thank the Squirrel for their articles. It really brightens my day, and in this crazy world, I need a little laugh every day. Keep it coming guys!

    • Thank you so much for your comment. Made my day. Next post is dedicated to you…. unless you don’t like it…. in that case, the next post that you like is dedicated to you.

  5. Pingback: Ordain Women Demands Right to Move People Every Saturday Morning | Whatsoever Is Good

  6. These women want to be men. I mow my own lawn. I help neighbors move. I like doilies and emotion. There is power and strength in emotions! I don’t want to combine Relief Society and priesthood. If you don’t know doctrine it’s your own fault. What do they want a bunch of men and women looking and acting the exact same so we can’t tell the difference between each other? We’d all be a bunch of “Pats”! Ridiculous!

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